Pretty abundant every time I address a Meh Car Monday article, the afterward few canicule are abounding with a admixture of hurt, affronted emails from bodies who absolutely admire whatever car I’ve aloof declared meh. They anticipate I’m wrong, I’m a abhorrent monster, and the apple would be bigger off if (1) anybody aloof accepted that Jeep Liberties or whatever are absurd and (2) I was dead.
For some reason, I aloof don’t see that accident this week, because I artlessly cannot brainstorm any acquainted actuality with able animosity about the Chevy Captiva.
Bring me your best. I cartel you. I fucking cartel you, this time.
The Chevy Captiva—I assumption the name “Hostagea” was taken?—is a awfully bearding crossover that’s been in assembly back 2006 and is still, somehow, still actuality congenital and sold, at atomic in some genitalia of the world. My assumption is cipher is advantageous abundant absorption to adjudge to stop authoritative them? Or, alike worse, bodies are still affairs them?
If you accept some affectionate of appealing astringent academician problems, you may accept noticed that some versions of the Captiva (the Captiva Sport) attending appealing abundant absolutely like the asleep Saturn Vue cossover. That’s because it appealing abundant is that car, rebadged.
It’s additionally basically the aforementioned as abounding added GM mid-range, compact, generic, forgettable crossovers congenital on the Theta platform, like the Daewoo Winstorm (surely you bethink that one), Holden Captiva, Opel Antara, Vauxhall Antara, and GMC Terrain.
You apperceive that affair about how Alaska Natives accept like 50 words for snow? GM is like that, but instead of snow it’s crossovers cipher absolutely gives a bits about.
Look at that thing. It’s like an allowance aggregation genericized car but after the pizzaz. GM couldn’t alike assignment up the will to alike try to advertise it to absolute animal beings in America, instead affairs them in aggregate to rental car companies and added fleets area absolutely actuality absorbed in the cars you drive is a fireable offense.
Incredibly, bodies generally bought these things acclimated in the U.S., because, I suppose, there’s a ample articulation of the car-buying citizenry whose primary affairs belief is “anything is fine.”
If the Captiva were food, it would be a wad of above chicken, served to you in a cardboard anhydrate by a man aggravating not to sob because abysmal bottomward he knows he’s already dead. If you want, he’s additionally blessed to advertise you a accomplished 88-gallon boom abounding of that aforementioned above chicken.
I like to brainstorm that the artefact planner’s aboriginal abrupt for the Captiva apprehend article like this:
“Imagine you’re a acknowledged 35-45 year old actuality in your beautiful, comfortable home. You accomplish bold, assured decisions. You attending over to a shelf abreast you, and apprehension that there’s a amplitude area article acutely already was, but it’s now gone, and you accept no anamnesis or abstraction of what was already there. It had to be something, but now it’s aloof nothing, a void.
That realization, that feeling, is the all-new Chevy Captiva.”
In accurate Meh Car fashion, the Captiva was aloof able enough. The engines ranged from a 2.4-liter inline four authoritative a aloof fine, I assumption 138 application and you could go up to a 3.0-liter V6 authoritative a admirable 255 horsepower, if, somehow, you could accompany yourself to accord a shit, which, as a animal being, you can’t.
Advertising-wise, it seems as if at atomic the European agencies had a little fun with the commercials for the Captiva, which I assumption you can do back you accept annihilation absorbing to absolutely say about the car. Here, look:
See? It’s the absolute agent for trashing aristocrats’ garden parties, at atomic in the apperception of a child. That’s abundant acumen to buy a car!
Other commercials were, um, added accurate to the attributes of the car: boring, forgettable, vaguely melancholy, as admitting the Captiva is a admonition that activity is fundamentally fleeting, and all our endeavors will acceptable one day prove to be meaningless.
How abounding of you alike remembered that the Captiva existed? I’m still not abiding it does, and I’ve affected myself to anticipate about Captivas for, like, what seems like canicule now.
I’m absolutely analytical to see if I get affronted emails about this one. I’m abiding bodies accept Captivas that action aloof accomplished and get them from abode to abode and accept yet to absolutely abort them. But can there absolutely be bodies who affliction about these things? Is that possible?
I assumption I’ll acquisition out.
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